Two Thousand And Forever.

It’s funny how we all tell ourselves we’re preparing for the worst when in real sense we’re only preparing ourselves for the little bad things we can handle breaking little or no sweat. Perhaps that is how the human mind was created; to always be in denial of worst that could happen. Perhaps being in denial helps us live better, live lighter, smile better; knowing the worst that could ever happen to you – during a period of time or all your life – is bound to put you in some sort of fear, and carrying it on your mind all day everyday can be said to be, if not fatal, disastrous to an extent.
2015 taught me that I never really prepared for the worst when I said I had prepared for the worst and was hoping for the best on the 1st of January 2015; but how could I have, when the real worst wasn’t something I would have seen coming in a million years? Anyway, I started the year thinking I was prepared for the worst. When certain things like losing money, misplacing valuable jewelry or documents, having bad days and all happened I thought they were all part of it; yes they were bad happenings and at that time I could say they were the worst I was prepared for and I met either instance with prayers and more hope. I thought I was doing a great job of facing my ‘worsts’ and so I limited my ‘worsts’ to bad days and losing or misplacing valuables and I shut the possibility of anything worse than that happening out of my mind but fate had something else in stock for me, and it threw the first blow that almost threw me to the ground.
7th May 2015; this day is one I didn’t think I would be able to talk or even write about this soon, I pray words won’t fail me. This day started on a very low note, slow like every other day when misfortunes lurk around the corner, lazy, chilly, and cold. The couple of months before may were busy ones for me, my friends, and a whole lot of other people who shouldered the cause that made those months busy for us and as such I had tens of errands to run, places to go, people I had to see but I wasn’t feeling any of it and so I stayed home, in bed and just did nothing but scroll through my twitter and Instagram timelines – lazily, blindly. I had just gotten off the phone with aunty Sadiya (Hajiya Sadiya), a sick friend’s aunt; she had sounded so low over the phone talking about Zainab’s health and at the same time giving us hopes that Zainab will be alright and all we had to do was pray and hope for the best for her. The phone call left me cold to my marrow; I said a silent prayer for my friend and went back to my blind scrolling of social media sites. Fifteen minutes hardly passed when aunty Sadiya’s call came through; I stared at my phone without picking up until it stopped ringing. She called again and I ignored it again; I just couldn’t bring myself to pick it up, something in me kept telling me not to, that something was wrong. I closed all if my social media apps and just laid in bed motionless, shutting everything from my mind – or so I thought. I didn’t want to think about the worst that could have happened but it was there at the door of my mind waiting for me to grant it entrance, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. Somewhere far away from where I actually was, I heard my phone ringing again and I answered “hello” the person on the other side was saying something about wanting to confirm the news he just got about Zainab; I hung up before he could say what news, not to be rude but I just couldn’t listen to another word, I wouldn’t. Aunty sadiya’s whatsapp message popped up on the screen of my phone and it read “INNALILLAHI WA INNA ILAIHIR RAJI’UN. Maryam, muyi hakuri Zainab is gone. Help send message across. You’re not picking your calls.” To this day, I can’t explain what or how I felt at that moment; for an instance I felt numb, I couldn’t move or stop staring at my phone, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even process what I had just seen, I just laid there in bed – motionless, speechless, thoughtless, emotionless – and stared at the screen of my phone. I remained like that for what seemed like half an hour; it felt like I had fallen in some sort of sleep because when I was finally able to move, I felt so tired and weak and there were so many missed calls. I dialed my elder sister’s number and said “yaya, Zainab beauriful ta rasu fah….” Into the phone right after she said hello and I just hung up – saying those words to my sister felt alien even to my ears, but then they were real, Zainab beauriful was gone, and forever too. Afterwards I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear until the pain in my chest vanished. The days and weeks that followed were one of the hardest days of my life and definitely the hardest for all who knew and loved Zainab Aliyu – I will spare you the details but I’ll tell you one thing; Zainab was a beautiful being inside and out and I pray her life in her grave is more beautiful than the life she lived on this earth, I pray Allah SWT grants her everlasting peace and jannatul firdaus for all the pains she endured on this earth. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihir raji’un!
Life continued; we accepted God’s decree, mourned, healed, and continued living (or so we thought). Fast-forward to August 2015 when I bade goodbye to the one man that loved me for every single thing I was made of; the good, the bad, and the ugly. The one man that loved me even more at my worst and lowest, never letting go even for a moment – Faa’ib was a rare gem. He was the one person that could make me laugh whenever and in whatever state he found me even without being here in person. My elder sister Hauwa Ado would say “Faa’ib dinne ko?” whenever I littered the whole house with my endless laughter. We mightn’t have known we were saying goodbye the last time we met but I think our spirits felt it because saying goodbye that last time was the hardest; afterwards, our phone calls became longer, and the bond stronger – well the fights became even more intense. On 1st September 2015 came the news of his passing away after a brief illness (three days after the last time we spoke [due to the illness] and till this day I can’t explain how I had felt at that time, the pain I felt, how unbelievable the words had sounded [astaghfirullah], but I’d say this; a part of me died with that news and I know I will never get it back, it would never come alive again – Oh, I loved him so, I love him so. Faa’ib was the most beautiful creature anyone could ever know; he had his flaws like every other human being but he was always striving to better himself. He was a man that grabbed every opportunity to talk about his deen and he taught it with utmost love, gentleness and compassion. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihir raji’un! I pray that Allah SWT grants Ibrahim Faa’ib AbdulRahman Gara eternal peace and rest, and grant him and us jannatul Firdaus.
Well, here I was, the person I had gotten used to running to for comfort and falling back on was no more but still I lived on, I existed on, because even though I had lost so much more than I ever thought I could this year when that one man died, I was still alive and I had a living God Who has blessed me with so much strength and was now testing me to see how I’d use that strength and whether or not I’d trust Him enough to let Him help me through and thank him. Allah is indeed the greatest consoler!
In all of these, I realized that while Allah SWT sends us trials and tests us in the seemingly hardest of ways, He also helps us pass those tests; all we have to do is seek Him in prayers. How bountiful is the mercy of Allah?!
Time stretched out so fast and with it we gained and lost so many things; moments, friends, business deals, family friends, distant relatives, and time – if there wasn’t death, there was mismanaged misunderstandings. But with every downfall, God never left me on the ground so I always – somehow, by His grace – found a way to get up and bounce back even stronger because God Almighty has promised us in the qur’an that “ALLAH DOES NOT BURDEN A SOUL BEYOND ITS SCOPE” [Al-qur’an 2:286] and that “VERILY, WITH EVERY HARDSHIP COMES EASE” [Al-qur’an 94:6] and Allah SWT never goes back on his promise.
With this, I say may the good Lord in his infinite mercy make this journey called life easier for us and grant us all beautiful and peaceful ends, may He grant us peace in our bodies, our souls, and our surroundings. May 2016 be more beautiful than all past years. Cheers to being strong!

Maryam Ado